Comments

The comment to this post began by asking why I was waiting around for some married man, why I would want to put my life on hold. I had tried to answer those questions in this post, and now I will try to answer the rest! I know that this type of relationship would not work for everyone, nor do I expect people to understand. That's okay. I guess I want to demystify this concept of 'other'ness, and let people see that my desires and values are probably quite similar to yours, however, I perhaps go a little bit closer to the edge.

You seem very intelligent from your blog. You seem like a high maintence type of women who is attractive. Why don't you look for someone who is actually available to share their life with you?

Being younger, a lot of the guys I meet are not mature enough. I get a lot of attention from older men because, relative to my age, I have accomplished quite a bit, and I am articulate and intelligent -- but young and cute. I think the guys that do approach me get a kick out of it, and feel a bit challenged. It's like they get a bit nervous that they couldn't 'keep up' with me, before some young guy grabs my attention.

What they don't realise is that my father died just before I was born, and my mother never remarried, leaving me to grow up without a father. I crave that attention from older men --- I always have. This has led me to get into trouble at an early age, thank god I never got caught!!

This man is so much older than you,doesn't that repulse you a little? Is he paying for your home or your car, are you actually kept?

He is a lot older than I am. And when we are abroad, or out in public together, it gets me really ... excited ... when people see us together and don't quite know what our relationship is. I love that! I love that semi-repulsion that some people seem to have, it makes me laugh. Why do other people care? Is it that they feel that one party is exploiting the other? (in reality, there is a certain degree of mutual exploitation) Is it the age gap? Is it the 'homewrecker' phenomenon? (I am a nice girl, I don't want to bother his family, and I don't. His wife follows me once and I while, but I certainly do not try to taunt her. And besides, if it wasn't me, he would still be with someone. Witness those damn e-mails to the bloody Israeli girl... I need to get on that ASAP). Oh, and more importantly, he pays my rent and bills when they get to bad sometimes. So, in a sense, yes, I am kept. I have to be very careful when I am seeing other guys that he doesn't find out, and also, that they don't find out. Also, I took a roommate so I am not paying any rent. THAT is making things tricky.

Also, I hope your having safe sex if he is cheating on you too, not to mention that he must sleep with his wife once in awhile.

Safe sex is a must. His schedule is too demanding sometimes for me to put my life on hold. I see a doctor friend of his who does regular blood tests for me. Absolutely necessary. Oh, and I think our relationship has likely improved his se

I watched two of my relatives have relationships with married men and I always felt bad for them. Because beauty wilts after you become 50-60 years old and then what do you have?

I think YOUTH fades, but, I look at my grandmother and mother, and they are still beautiful. I want a man who respects all of me, not just my looks. Believe it or not, the fact that I am pretty is more like icing on the cake for M. It really was my intelligence and sharp with that attracted him. And probably my love of older men rolled off me in waves ;) At 50-60 years you will have a vibrant woman who has lived, made some unorthodox choices, and is comfortable with who she is.

I also think that if every women stood up to "married men" who think they can get sex without commitment, women in general would be "valued more" instead of being treated like a piece of meat.

You might have a point here. This might be effective for some men, and not for others. I really don't know what to say to this. I do think it is ridiculous that some men get married and stay married when they are not committed to the relationship. I think it is not only the responsibility of the single women who 'fall prey' to married men to stand up to them, but also the responsibility of those women who STAY MARRIED to men who cheat and lie. Being a single mother is not fun, but, neither is losing self respect. For some women, having a husband who seeks relationships outside of the marriage is acceptable, and even takes some of the pressure off them. For other women, it is unacceptable. It is an individual choice.

How does it feel to you that he may have another girlfriend? Also how are you checking his email?

I set up his email account. I also set filters with key words that I know he uses affectionately so that any incoming/outgoing email that has one of these words will be forwarded to me. This allows me to not have to constantly check his email. Some good words to flag are dinner, call, baby, sex, love, 'let's meet', 'miss you'. I hate it when he has some other girl. I have thrown fits before when I got really pissed off, because he has taught me a lot of what I know about lying, and so I recognise when he is not honest with me. I realise that with him, yelling and crying does not work.

Instead, I have to outsmart him. And I do. Sometimes by deleting crucial emails from the chick as she responds --- not too often, or they will resort to phonecalls. I encourage him to use the bathroom to really wash up after sex so I can either use bluetooth to send his address book on his cell to my computer, or just do a quick check of the text messages - esp, the sent and deleted messages!

If he is your boss, he is is the one with eveything to lose if you expose him. So start bilking this bastard for every 10 grand you can. I would if I were in your shoes. He wants you ,then make him pay for it. New car, money in an off shore account, a home that is yours only. Get something from this guy besisdes an STD.

Unfortunately, he is not quite that generous. As it stands, I am trying to get him to pay off the 10 grand in outstanding student loans that I have. I have actually a) NEVER gotten an STD and B) Never gotten an STD from him. Unfortunately, he doesn't give out huge cash gifts. I usually get about $400 for my birthday, and rent each month. A few thousand here and there, and gifts of jewellery. He has paid for all flights and travel, all meals and taxis, and is very generous with little presents -- he once brought me a bouquet of 65 roses (we were apart for 65 days). No, I have to be much more cunning. I am planning on dropping 5 more pounds, so that I can as for money for new clothes!! Better to ask now, before Christmas, because I think I will ask for money to buy presents. Smart, eh?

I see that you are making sacrafices that will make you angry and hurt as you grow older.

That, I am not sure about. Sometimes it makes me very angry NOW!!!

The reason I am commenting is because I get the Dr. Bob newsletter. My husband may have cheated on me with someone who I thought was a friend of mine. Even though my husband denies any physical realationship I saw enough between them in public and on emails to make me sick.

I am so sorry if your husband did indeed cheat on you. It isn't always easy to spot a cheater before marriage. I truly do hope that you and your husband can find a suitable understanding of what works for both of you, and what you are willing to put up with, or not. Tough decisions to have to make, and I certainly do not envy those choices. I guess, with M. I feel a little bit less guilt about the financial aspect of things because they are so rich. It is not as though someone in the family is going without because of me.

I am "hit on" by alot of men and I ignore their motives, adgendas and what they think are "smooth lines",. I made a commitment to my husband a long time ago and that's the commitment I will keep. I have given my husband every opportunity to leave me too. He tells me he was "just friends" with this women. So.. what i am trying to say to you is that "your secret loverman" is never leaving his wife. If he dies, she gets his money. What do you get?

I would get nothing but heartache. And his friends to take care of me in my pain. I know that they would be there for me (as well as his wife) because they love me too. I don't expect anything from him. I don't expect him to leave his wife -- ever. Nor is that my intent. I would like to have kids, eventually, and I do not think having them with a man that old would be a good idea. I too ignore a lot of men.

I truly value commitment, and would like to have that in my own life at some point, and indeed, I would be crushed if he cheated on me. However, were that the case, and I realised that our opinions on cheating were not reconciliable, then I would not, as you put it --- give my husband opportunities to leave me. I would leave him. If we determine, as a couple that we want to be together, in a comitted relationship, without others, and he deviated from that, then we would need to talk. If after making an effort, councilling, whatever, it was still happening, I would not hesitate to walk away.

If there is one think I have learned from my relationship with M., it really is that some men are cheaters, and unwilling to change. As long as they can get away with it, they will. To them, it is a challenge, a game, a hole to fill. The need to have more and more different people be interested in them. It is not something that I have the power to fix or change - it must come from them. And some people do not have the strength or desire to fix themselves.

I am just trying to help you see that its not "high school" anymore. Its not about stealing someones boyfriend. This is someones husband, someones father that you carry on with. How would you feel if it were your father?

I really don't know, because I have never had a father. I certainly would not want his kids to know, and, as for the fact that he has a wife, what she chooses to put up with is certainly her concern. I am merely a manifestation of a larger problem. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else -- and at least I stay out of their marriage as much as possible. I don't feel like this is a high school thing. It's been over ten years...