Yikes! That was a bit harsh...

Nice! I received this comment on my blog...

You are so shallow ...keep on going ...you are just fine...dont bother...just dont take the space ..you are not worth it...

So... yeah, that was actually pretty harsh. I get it -- the side of myself that comes across in this blog may seem a little bit harsh. Vain. Flaky, even. Yup, I understand. I also understand that sleeping with somebody who is married is not exactly admirable. I understand that the fact that we have been together for nearly a decade likely does not make it any better for people to 'forgive me' or understand. The fact that I talk so openly about the financial arrangement that we have might be unsettling, upsetting or disappointing.

I am a young person who is working very hard in a career that (unfortunately does not pay very well - more of an altruistic career, noble but unpaying). I have been involved with this person for quite a long time, and, for the first five years I would try my best to refuse gifts of money. And then, after a few serious discussions with my lover, he helped me realise that his financial situation was quite a bit different then mine. He was, quite literally, independently wealthy. His wife and children all have accounts that have been set up for them. In case of anything untoward, they have trusts in their names. They all have property in their names. Their tuition (though Canadian, they are all poised/or currently are attending Ivy League universities in the US and overseas). They have a large mansion, that has actually been paid for for many years (something M is very proud of, and encourages me to do when I am financially more stable). He is in a position where my rent is for him. the cost of a dinner with a friend. Does this justify my demeaning myself, accepting money for, essentially companionship and sex? No, not likely... however, our relationship works for us.

I think that blaming me for 'taking someone away from their wife' is not fair. He is choosing not to be with his wife. Iam not making that decision for him. Should I continue to see him, or band together in solidarity with women everywhere and not let him 'hurt his wife' this way.

Am I wrong to continue to see him? And am I really 'not worth it'?

The OTHER other woman -- and responding to a comment

I received a comment to the previous post that I thought was very thought provoking. I decided to post it here and respond to it, as I thought it might help readers understand my choices a little bit better. As I am about to go to bed, I think that I will probably have to finish up ... next post! So here's a start...

Why are you waiting for this married man? It seems like you have put your life on hold for someone who will never be there for you.

Definitely. I cannot deny that I am putting my life on hold, and I know that he will never be there in the sense of marriage and a full time relationship, but, I guess because I am still young, I figure it is worth it. I love being with him, and I love him. He is there for me, when it counts. If I need something, he finds a way to make it happen -- even if it means sending one of his friends when what I really need is him. It is not ideal, but, it is soooooooo exhilirating.

In other, more gossipy news, I ran into a woman that he worked with in another of his jobs (he works in more than one place). They worked in a tiny, elite consulting firm. He and she were dating at the time, this was about two years after we started going out, and I think she suspected that we were up to something (I used to find excuses to drop by every three months or so). Anyhow, I saw her in the grocery store tonight (I was looking very cute!) and I must admit, my heart skipped a beat. I felt this flutter, as if I had somehow won some secret competition because M. and I are still together, and he is not still with her. (Though he is seeing this Israeli chick - emails confirm it. Damn, I need to put a stop to that.)

I know it is evil, and very anti-woman, but, can anyone else out there understand? Please, let me know!