Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Yikes! That was a bit harsh...

Nice! I received this comment on my blog...

You are so shallow ...keep on going ...you are just fine...dont bother...just dont take the space ..you are not worth it...
So... yeah, that was actually pretty harsh. I get it -- the side of myself that comes across in this blog may seem a little bit harsh. Vain. Flaky, even. Yup, I understand. I also understand that sleeping with somebody who is married is not exactly admirable. I understand that the fact that we have been together for nearly a decade likely does not make it any better for people to 'forgive me' or understand. The fact that I talk so openly about the financial arrangement that we have might be unsettling, upsetting or disappointing.

I am a young person who is working very hard in a career that (unfortunately does not pay very well - more of an altruistic career, noble but unpaying). I have been involved with this person for quite a long time, and, for the first five years I would try my best to refuse gifts of money. And then, after a few serious discussions with my lover, he helped me realise that his financial situation was quite a bit different then mine. He was, quite literally, independently wealthy. His wife and children all have accounts that have been set up for them. In case of anything untoward, they have trusts in their names. They all have property in their names. Their tuition (though Canadian, they are all poised/or currently are attending Ivy League universities in the US and overseas). They have a large mansion, that has actually been paid for for many years (something M is very proud of, and encourages me to do when I am financially more stable). He is in a position where my rent is for him. the cost of a dinner with a friend. Does this justify my demeaning myself, accepting money for, essentially companionship and sex? No, not likely... however, our relationship works for us.

I think that blaming me for 'taking someone away from their wife' is not fair. He is choosing not to be with his wife. Iam not making that decision for him. Should I continue to see him, or band together in solidarity with women everywhere and not let him 'hurt his wife' this way.

Am I wrong to continue to see him? And am I really 'not worth it'?

Monday, October 30, 2006

My not-always-so-fabulous-life

Mmmmmm!!! A very romantic dinner was had at a very posh French restaurant this weekend!!! I wore absolutely NOTHING under my skirt and it took until we were at the coat check for M. to realise. He absolutely flipped out, and couldn't wait to get back to my place. I don't think he took any Viagra, and he certainly didn't need to!! During the car ride back to my place (one of his acquaintences drove us back) he insisted on sitting in the back seat with me! He would not stop putting his hand up my skirt -- even though I told him his friend was watching us. Sometimes he just gets so excited in front of his friends that it makes me feel kind of trashy.

  • Two more weeks and then I as him for money for new clothes
  • One month and two weeks before I cry about needing money for Christmas presents
I should actually save up money for the trip to the Maldives I am planning with this other guy I have been seeing. That would be the smart thing to do... it is in March after all. Maybe I can tell him I am going to Cuba with girlfriends and get some money for that too!!! I *must* go to the gym tomorrow so I can reach my target and he notices how good I am looking and gives me the cash I want for clothes. Oh, and the satisfaction of knowing that I am in good form for competing against this Israeli chick (whom he has not emailed in the last three days, and he missed dinner with because of an email I intercepted!) Bitchy, but, hey, if it keeps me inspired to lose those ten extra pounds, then, it's worth it. Right?

Right? Okay.... I am overcome by vanity... I need to know. Do you people think I am a total whore? I have been getting some pretty nasty emails. I am not an evil homewrecker!I am not, I swear! But am I wrong? Leave a comment and let me know!

Saturday, October 28, 2006


The comment to this post began by asking why I was waiting around for some married man, why I would want to put my life on hold. I had tried to answer those questions in this post, and now I will try to answer the rest! I know that this type of relationship would not work for everyone, nor do I expect people to understand. That's okay. I guess I want to demystify this concept of 'other'ness, and let people see that my desires and values are probably quite similar to yours, however, I perhaps go a little bit closer to the edge.

You seem very intelligent from your blog. You seem like a high maintence type of women who is attractive. Why don't you look for someone who is actually available to share their life with you?
Being younger, a lot of the guys I meet are not mature enough. I get a lot of attention from older men because, relative to my age, I have accomplished quite a bit, and I am articulate and intelligent -- but young and cute. I think the guys that do approach me get a kick out of it, and feel a bit challenged. It's like they get a bit nervous that they couldn't 'keep up' with me, before some young guy grabs my attention.

What they don't realise is that my father died just before I was born, and my mother never remarried, leaving me to grow up without a father. I crave that attention from older men --- I always have. This has led me to get into trouble at an early age, thank god I never got caught!!

This man is so much older than you,doesn't that repulse you a little? Is he paying for your home or your car, are you actually kept?
He is a lot older than I am. And when we are abroad, or out in public together, it gets me really ... excited ... when people see us together and don't quite know what our relationship is. I love that! I love that semi-repulsion that some people seem to have, it makes me laugh. Why do other people care? Is it that they feel that one party is exploiting the other? (in reality, there is a certain degree of mutual exploitation) Is it the age gap? Is it the 'homewrecker' phenomenon? (I am a nice girl, I don't want to bother his family, and I don't. His wife follows me once and I while, but I certainly do not try to taunt her. And besides, if it wasn't me, he would still be with someone. Witness those damn e-mails to the bloody Israeli girl... I need to get on that ASAP). Oh, and more importantly, he pays my rent and bills when they get to bad sometimes. So, in a sense, yes, I am kept. I have to be very careful when I am seeing other guys that he doesn't find out, and also, that they don't find out. Also, I took a roommate so I am not paying any rent. THAT is making things tricky.

Also, I hope your having safe sex if he is cheating on you too, not to mention that he must sleep with his wife once in awhile.
Safe sex is a must. His schedule is too demanding sometimes for me to put my life on hold. I see a doctor friend of his who does regular blood tests for me. Absolutely necessary. Oh, and I think our relationship has likely improved his se

I watched two of my relatives have relationships with married men and I always felt bad for them. Because beauty wilts after you become 50-60 years old and then what do you have?

I think YOUTH fades, but, I look at my grandmother and mother, and they are still beautiful. I want a man who respects all of me, not just my looks. Believe it or not, the fact that I am pretty is more like icing on the cake for M. It really was my intelligence and sharp with that attracted him. And probably my love of older men rolled off me in waves ;) At 50-60 years you will have a vibrant woman who has lived, made some unorthodox choices, and is comfortable with who she is.

I also think that if every women stood up to "married men" who think they can get sex without commitment, women in general would be "valued more" instead of being treated like a piece of meat.
You might have a point here. This might be effective for some men, and not for others. I really don't know what to say to this. I do think it is ridiculous that some men get married and stay married when they are not committed to the relationship. I think it is not only the responsibility of the single women who 'fall prey' to married men to stand up to them, but also the responsibility of those women who STAY MARRIED to men who cheat and lie. Being a single mother is not fun, but, neither is losing self respect. For some women, having a husband who seeks relationships outside of the marriage is acceptable, and even takes some of the pressure off them. For other women, it is unacceptable. It is an individual choice.

How does it feel to you that he may have another girlfriend? Also how are you checking his email?
I set up his email account. I also set filters with key words that I know he uses affectionately so that any incoming/outgoing email that has one of these words will be forwarded to me. This allows me to not have to constantly check his email. Some good words to flag are dinner, call, baby, sex, love, 'let's meet', 'miss you'. I hate it when he has some other girl. I have thrown fits before when I got really pissed off, because he has taught me a lot of what I know about lying, and so I recognise when he is not honest with me. I realise that with him, yelling and crying does not work.

Instead, I have to outsmart him. And I do. Sometimes by deleting crucial emails from the chick as she responds --- not too often, or they will resort to phonecalls. I encourage him to use the bathroom to really wash up after sex so I can either use bluetooth to send his address book on his cell to my computer, or just do a quick check of the text messages - esp, the sent and deleted messages!

If he is your boss, he is is the one with eveything to lose if you expose him. So start bilking this bastard for every 10 grand you can. I would if I were in your shoes. He wants you ,then make him pay for it. New car, money in an off shore account, a home that is yours only. Get something from this guy besisdes an STD.
Unfortunately, he is not quite that generous. As it stands, I am trying to get him to pay off the 10 grand in outstanding student loans that I have. I have actually a) NEVER gotten an STD and B) Never gotten an STD from him. Unfortunately, he doesn't give out huge cash gifts. I usually get about $400 for my birthday, and rent each month. A few thousand here and there, and gifts of jewellery. He has paid for all flights and travel, all meals and taxis, and is very generous with little presents -- he once brought me a bouquet of 65 roses (we were apart for 65 days). No, I have to be much more cunning. I am planning on dropping 5 more pounds, so that I can as for money for new clothes!! Better to ask now, before Christmas, because I think I will ask for money to buy presents. Smart, eh?

I see that you are making sacrafices that will make you angry and hurt as you grow older.
That, I am not sure about. Sometimes it makes me very angry NOW!!!

The reason I am commenting is because I get the Dr. Bob newsletter. My husband may have cheated on me with someone who I thought was a friend of mine. Even though my husband denies any physical realationship I saw enough between them in public and on emails to make me sick.
I am so sorry if your husband did indeed cheat on you. It isn't always easy to spot a cheater before marriage. I truly do hope that you and your husband can find a suitable understanding of what works for both of you, and what you are willing to put up with, or not. Tough decisions to have to make, and I certainly do not envy those choices. I guess, with M. I feel a little bit less guilt about the financial aspect of things because they are so rich. It is not as though someone in the family is going without because of me.

I am "hit on" by alot of men and I ignore their motives, adgendas and what they think are "smooth lines",. I made a commitment to my husband a long time ago and that's the commitment I will keep. I have given my husband every opportunity to leave me too. He tells me he was "just friends" with this women. So.. what i am trying to say to you is that "your secret loverman" is never leaving his wife. If he dies, she gets his money. What do you get?
I would get nothing but heartache. And his friends to take care of me in my pain. I know that they would be there for me (as well as his wife) because they love me too. I don't expect anything from him. I don't expect him to leave his wife -- ever. Nor is that my intent. I would like to have kids, eventually, and I do not think having them with a man that old would be a good idea. I too ignore a lot of men.

I truly value commitment, and would like to have that in my own life at some point, and indeed, I would be crushed if he cheated on me. However, were that the case, and I realised that our opinions on cheating were not reconciliable, then I would not, as you put it --- give my husband opportunities to leave me. I would leave him. If we determine, as a couple that we want to be together, in a comitted relationship, without others, and he deviated from that, then we would need to talk. If after making an effort, councilling, whatever, it was still happening, I would not hesitate to walk away.

If there is one think I have learned from my relationship with M., it really is that some men are cheaters, and unwilling to change. As long as they can get away with it, they will. To them, it is a challenge, a game, a hole to fill. The need to have more and more different people be interested in them. It is not something that I have the power to fix or change - it must come from them. And some people do not have the strength or desire to fix themselves.

I am just trying to help you see that its not "high school" anymore. Its not about stealing someones boyfriend. This is someones husband, someones father that you carry on with. How would you feel if it were your father?
I really don't know, because I have never had a father. I certainly would not want his kids to know, and, as for the fact that he has a wife, what she chooses to put up with is certainly her concern. I am merely a manifestation of a larger problem. If it wasn't me, it would be someone else -- and at least I stay out of their marriage as much as possible. I don't feel like this is a high school thing. It's been over ten years...

Friday, October 27, 2006

The OTHER other woman -- and responding to a comment

I received a comment to the previous post that I thought was very thought provoking. I decided to post it here and respond to it, as I thought it might help readers understand my choices a little bit better. As I am about to go to bed, I think that I will probably have to finish up ... next post! So here's a start...

Why are you waiting for this married man? It seems like you have put your life on hold for someone who will never be there for you.
Definitely. I cannot deny that I am putting my life on hold, and I know that he will never be there in the sense of marriage and a full time relationship, but, I guess because I am still young, I figure it is worth it. I love being with him, and I love him. He is there for me, when it counts. If I need something, he finds a way to make it happen -- even if it means sending one of his friends when what I really need is him. It is not ideal, but, it is soooooooo exhilirating.

In other, more gossipy news, I ran into a woman that he worked with in another of his jobs (he works in more than one place). They worked in a tiny, elite consulting firm. He and she were dating at the time, this was about two years after we started going out, and I think she suspected that we were up to something (I used to find excuses to drop by every three months or so). Anyhow, I saw her in the grocery store tonight (I was looking very cute!) and I must admit, my heart skipped a beat. I felt this flutter, as if I had somehow won some secret competition because M. and I are still together, and he is not still with her. (Though he is seeing this Israeli chick - emails confirm it. Damn, I need to put a stop to that.)

I know it is evil, and very anti-woman, but, can anyone else out there understand? Please, let me know!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Saturday night!

I am so excited!! I haven't had time to repair the blog posts yet, but I had to tell you this! M. is coming back from his trip on Saturday, and he is coming to see me first! I am so excited!! I know that his wife was supposed to go with him, but for some reason she stayed at home ( I checked his email and found the cancellation message in his inbox). So that means he is not going to see her first, but me!!

I am so excited, he has been away for almost a week and a half. I can also see from his inbox that he has been corresponding with another girl, and it looks like he has been trying to help her get a job. BASTARD!! I must admit, I do get very jealous when I see or hear him talking to other women. You would think 1 mistress would be enough, and I guess for some men it is. I think he feels that if he can get away with having one girlfriend, then why not try for more? Which really hurts me sometimes.

I must admit, I have been a little bit stressed out lately, and have been letting myself go a little.... MISTAKE!! I have been going to the gym for an hour and a half this past week, each night, to kick myself back into gear. It takes me an hour and a half because I am a bit rusty, and I am trying to do lots of cardio. I mean, I know he loves it when I am a little bit fitter, and I love it when I am too. So, for anyone who is out there thinking that we shouldn't have to look a certain way to be lovable, or shouldn't feel that we have to be thin to be attractive, fair enough. And for all of those who think that a mistress is chosen because they are more *whatever* (insert adjective here), guess again. It has nothing to do with being thin (I am very curvy) and I believe it has more to do with ego-stroking. That and he is lacking in genuine friendships in his life.

I am sure, for his wife, that there were signs there all along that he might be or become a cheater. I know that times were different then, and I thank god I have the choice to not have to 'settle down' with someone like that today. I think being with M. has made me a bit more aware of some of the patterns of cheaters. I hope this does not completely affect my ability to trust down the road...

Anyhow, I am not going to get my legs waxed (my skin gets too red after) as it is too close to his arrival. I will take a nice long soak tonight and prepare myself for his arrival. I hope he is civilised enough to sit through drinks before tearing my clothes off! For a man above 60, he certainly knows how to show a girl a good time. It's amazing how comfortable he is in the bedroom, trying new things, playing with toys, discussing what he likes and wants. There is nothing he won't do. Nothing. Mmmm... now that I am all excited, back to work!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Posting issues and a kiss!

I am not having a happy blog experience! My formatting has gone askew, and so the Sept - Oct posts that are bizarrely affected have been set to draft for now.

I went to see M before he left for his trip. There was no one left at work, so we snuck into an office and - I swear! - just kissed. He wanted me to become more *ahem* intimate with in a particular way, however, I was not having any of it. Afterall, it's not very ladylike. And how would I get him to stop by later on if he wasn't all worked up? Smart girls use their head, not give it! Well, not all the time!

So, in the end, all we did was kiss. And it was lovely :)

Friday, September 15, 2006

When we met...

It was in a restaurant. He (M) was dragged away from dinner at home to meet the new girlfriend of an acquaintence. He was so debonair and handsome, sophisticated and genteel. I was so nervous about spilling my wine or using the wrong fork. He had an immediate effect over me when he walked in, and I, unfortunately, was there with his acquaintence.

Foolish as I was, I didn't realise that I was a conquest for -- we shall call him -- Sidi. Sidi was from the Maghreb, but lived in Belgium. What a life he had! Too bad I didn't realise that he was a con artist, and he was using me to cover his tracks. It was the first time that I had gone out with someone who was significantly older than I was, and I was adoring the attention I received from him, his friends, and his business partners. It was a dream.

Certainly, some things seemed a little bit ... off ... and there were some inconsistencies in his story, but I was living the high life and I was about to let go. The finest restaurants the city had to offer, we would be dining in them. Every night. Aperatifs here, digestifs there, and perhaps a meal in between. And then, in the middle of it all, walked M., and I froze. He was the counterpoint to all of the fun that i had been having, the serious, handsome, successful older man. Who hated me. Or so I thought...