Posting issues and a kiss!

I am not having a happy blog experience! My formatting has gone askew, and so the Sept - Oct posts that are bizarrely affected have been set to draft for now.

I went to see M before he left for his trip. There was no one left at work, so we snuck into an office and - I swear! - just kissed. He wanted me to become more *ahem* intimate with in a particular way, however, I was not having any of it. Afterall, it's not very ladylike. And how would I get him to stop by later on if he wasn't all worked up? Smart girls use their head, not give it! Well, not all the time!

So, in the end, all we did was kiss. And it was lovely :)

When we met...

It was in a restaurant. He (M) was dragged away from dinner at home to meet the new girlfriend of an acquaintence. He was so debonair and handsome, sophisticated and genteel. I was so nervous about spilling my wine or using the wrong fork. He had an immediate effect over me when he walked in, and I, unfortunately, was there with his acquaintence.

Foolish as I was, I didn't realise that I was a conquest for -- we shall call him -- Sidi. Sidi was from the Maghreb, but lived in Belgium. What a life he had! Too bad I didn't realise that he was a con artist, and he was using me to cover his tracks. It was the first time that I had gone out with someone who was significantly older than I was, and I was adoring the attention I received from him, his friends, and his business partners. It was a dream.

Certainly, some things seemed a little bit ... off ... and there were some inconsistencies in his story, but I was living the high life and I was about to let go. The finest restaurants the city had to offer, we would be dining in them. Every night. Aperatifs here, digestifs there, and perhaps a meal in between. And then, in the middle of it all, walked M., and I froze. He was the counterpoint to all of the fun that i had been having, the serious, handsome, successful older man. Who hated me. Or so I thought...

A grey day...

Sigh... so bored. I am supposed to be working, and I just can't focus. He is in South America right now. I know that I have been trying to distance myself lately, but, it is so hard. I miss him. And, I am afraid that I might be losing him. It has, after all, been years. Part of me wishes that he would see this, and know that it is about him. Know how much I care about him. Begin to see how much I have sacrificed for him. Nearly ten years of my life... I don't mean to give the wrong impression, though - I mean, I don't mean to just complain. I suppose that, for him, it is natural that as I get older, I become less desirable in a sense. I mean, there are always younger girls out there. Really.

I know this likely sounds ridiculous, over the top, impossible. And yet, it is my reality. None of my friends really know, a few suspect that something is up. Oh, alright. I have one friend that knows. But she is sworn to secrecy :) I am sure you are wondering how a young girl could fall into such a mess. Believe it or not, it was actually far worse BEFORE I met him! I suppose I would be better off without him in my life, without worrying about his children or his wife catching us out on the town, or running into colleagues of his when we are overseas. I suppose it would be better, if I could just wake up from this half-dream and move on with my life.